So, I finished up all of my schoolwork last week (YAAAAAAYYYYY!), at least for the next month, anyways. But I'm not heading up to toronto until the 24th, and all my other friends in this stupid town are still going crazy with the worky worky, so I found myself with a big, empty week.
Oh ho! I thought to myself, what a perfect time to hop on the ol' commuter train into New York and go see the big Natural History Museum, since I love me some NHM's and I've never been to that one. I had been contemplating for a while when I might go in and visit, but was always to busy with the school and the whatnot.
Anyways, I knew nobody would be available to go with me, so I decided, oh me oh my, to put an ad up on NYC craigslist seeing if I could find a date to the museum. Here is the original ad, which was reposted with slight differences the next day because the first round of responses were less than what I had hoped for:
******
I'm a curvy dorkette with a love for all things evolution, and I've never been to the natural history museum. I'd be happy going on my own, but thought it might be more fun to try something new, a little craigslist adventuring.
This is only a date - keep your LTRs and other communicable diseases to yourself, thanks - but just because I'm looking for something 'casual' doesn't mean I don't want to be intellectually or emotionally engaged. In fact, the more you like to bend the usual rules of social conduct, the better.
I want you to make me think, make me laugh and make me feel hot. Let's go make out in a room full of dinosaur bones.
******
I would respond to that ad (except that curvy isn't my type, and it was posted in the section for the mens). So I hoped that maybe somebody else cool would, too. I mean, in all of New York City (and the surrounding burroughs) somebody cool has to be reading craigslist, right?
...right?
Well. Maybe my standards are a bit high, or maybe, well... here are a few snippets of responses, the good, the bad, and the ugly. And lots and lots and lots of the mediocre. You can judge for yourself.
We'll start with The Bad:
I had to go digging around in my gmail trash to find some of these again. The dirtiest prize goes to the penis picture, closely followed by the man who said he would leave the museum with my panties in his jacket pocket (ewwwwwwwwww). Although at least panty-man said he'd be stealing my underwear after we'd learned about the pterodon, so I guess at least he actually read my ad.
One of my favorites was this entirely confusing response, which I will quote at length to achieve the full effect:
"On Friday night I went with friends to see the Radio City Christmas specatcular at the Radio City Music Hall and then walked around the Big Tree in Rockefeller Center.
On Saturday morning I went to a Dance aerobic class at my gym. I relaxed at home on Saturday afternoon. On Saturday night I went to a holiday Christmas dinner with friends on Long Island. One of my friends is an actor who plays the role of Santa Claus in the Radio City show. He took off on Saturday night and gave a performance of several Christmas songs. His son who is a student at Syracuse Univesity was his pianist. This morning I went to church and then went to the Harvard Club to watch the Patriots Jets football game and have brunch. Then I went with other friends to the Rose Theater at the Time Warner building to see the Chamber Music Association perform Bach's Brandenburg Concertos. It was awesome. When I got back I had a sushi dinner at Sushi Time on Second Avenue and East 44th Street.
New York is such a treasure trove of restaurants. I live near the UN and there are some great spots to which I would like to invite you. I like novels and biographies. I like U2, Coldplay, Green Day, the Heart Beat Boys, Dido, Josh Groban and Bruce Springsteen."
The picture that came with this reponse was of a man in his 60s, wearing a suit and tie in front of a gigantic christmas tree. The email actually ended with Bruce Springsteen, too, no signoff, no nothing. So, so bizarre.
There was also the form-letter response that probably goes out to all the girls, with a few key snippets as follows:
"I think one of the most sensual things is actually sleeping with someone, not the sex... holding them close, smelling them, ME running my fingers through your hair and of course kissing you a lot... I'm not looking for a woman I can live with - I'm in search of a woman I can't live without!"
And all this with a pic of a suit-and-tied `older genteleman' (60s? maybe even 70?). ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!
Finally, "a very different twist to anything I have seen before.....smart girl but yet naughty....I wonder what other surprises you occult....quick question though, have you ever been engaged by someone older....I do not mean creepy older but yes in his early forties....?"
Maybe not "creepy older," but creepy nonetheless.
The ugly
(ed. note: after consultation with my blogging morality monitor mercedes, it was decided that actual pictures would not be posted to protect the identities of the innoncent. Instead, I will do my best to describe the hilarity.)
Picture choices were "interesting," to say the least. Several featured beer or other alcoholic beverages (not surprising from the Australian, "me sipping a beer back home"), and there was one guy who didn't write anything at all, just sent a blurry topless photo of himself. thanks, buddy. One guy sent four pictures of himself, two of which had women's arms around him but were cropped so the girls were cut out of the picture, and the fourth is of him at some horrid looking party where he's clustered with another dude and three very drunk and slutted out girls, all of them half-lidded and holding red kegger cups, and he is wearing a green plastic lei. A.w.e.s.o.m.e.
One guy sent me a "photo collage" and apologized for the small file size/resolution, and one of the photos... oh, how do I describe it... well, he's sitting on a motorcycle, looking with a smirk directly into the eye of the camera. It's not a bad picture, and he's not really unattractive, but for some reason somebody imported the photo into what I can only assume was "microsoft paint" and used a lovely purple/magenta color to a) draw a sketchedy circle around part of the bike's engine and b) sort of scribbled along the top of his chest and along the top of the white tank top he is wearing. It is hard to capture in words. Mary suggested that it looked something like "80s... electro... neon... um.... something." That about sums it up.
The majority of pictures featured men in suits and ties. Come on, people. There was one dude whose response wasn't spectacular, but wasn't dumb or creepy either, but the two pictures he chose were one of him with a woman, and another of him holding a baby. I mean, maybe they were his sister, and his sister's baby? But he didn't say that. Or explain the woman/baby choice in any way. Why? What are these people thinking?
the mediocre
Some people actually seemed nice enough, but maybe just kind of boring, and the vast majority worked in finance or law or something else that went with the suit-and-tie pics. One guy almost made it to the good category ("Definitely a bit more nerdy, passionate, deviant and
adventurous then your average capitalist"), except that he sent me pics right away and was just kind of a big guy, and not my physical type.
Some quick highlights, far from exhaustive:
- the 20-year old who "always has a smile on his face" and assured me he wanted to be my friend, not get in my pants.
- the football player type who liked sports, but was willing to be dragged to a museum
- people who tried to impress me with their dino knowledge: "did you know that T-Rex wouldn't have been able to run. If that sort of thing interests you then this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship." "I have all 3 Jurassic Park movies on videocassette."
- the man who said he had an IQ of 190, but put "legally blind" in quotes, for no particular reason.
- the use of the royal `we': "Shall we take a stab in the dark? .............What do we have to lose?"
- the classic openers: "Hello Museum it is." "Ok, here's the truth; smart chick are hot!" (true. But please, when trying to impress a smart chick, give yer email a quick readover, eh?)
- the dreamer: "My life long ambition is to be an actor, but at this point im willing to get my foot in the door. Unfortunately the reality of it is that I am a Senior Legal Recruiter for a midtown recruting firm, making a living, just not the one I want."
- the guy who works in fashion and told me that he comes from a good family.
- the guy who told me his body fat percentage (8.5)
- the guy who seemed totally likeable and funny until he declared himself to be a "miserable little man" who would hang out in the gift shop while I went and checked out the giant whale.
- and of course, the ad for deep tantric massage.
The... good? ish?
Well, there were just a few that I even remotely considered, so I guess being the best of the bunch, they get to be called "good." There were three emails to which I replied, and in every case, the second email killed it. Or, in one unfortunate instance, it was the picture (sorry, dude.)
1. The most promising, for a moment, was the guy who declared he loved a brainy date, then said " I like to make movies, sneak into movies, ride my bicycle everywhere and i love adventure." OK. He attached a picture of him riding a crazy bikemobile with a funky-awesome house contraption thing built up on the front, with his dog riding in it. He was wearing peter pan-ish ragedy-edged short pants, sneakers with bright pink shoelaces, and a helmet. Also tall and lanky. 100% respondable.
So I sent him an email, and among other things asked how old he was, because it was hard to tell from the pic and maybe there was a little gray in the beard. Now, mind you, I've got a little gray at the temple myself, and I actually am pretty open to age differences if the other stuff seems cool (see, er, bottom of posting for more on that...), so it was just a simple question. In response, he not only seemed kind of defensive/weird about the age difference, he also made a fatal spelling error. And I quote, "i am 34 years old, but i relate best with people your age. im totally in shape cause i ride my bike all the time. and i keep my mind yongue by not
working and traveling as much as possible."
yongue? yongue? Oh, dear. Also, staying yongue by not working doesn't necessarily seem like a well-thought out strategy. To totally kill it, he responded to my comment that I live in "the hellhole of new haven" with an enthusiastic "i love connecticut." Goodbye, mr. crazy bike.
2. The saddest, and most guilt-making, was the guy who totally would have been a hot date if he had been at all hot. I dunno, maybe he was lacking a bit of sense of humor, too, but that can be hard to tell in the emails. He was an evolutionary biologist, researching population genetics and phylogenetics of rare species, which is totally rad, and he was number one... until, of course, he sent me the pictures. In which he turned out to be big, pale, and pudgy, wearing khakis and a too-big pale yellow button up shirt... and oh dear, he was just terribly unattractive to me. So when he wrote later to ask if his pics had scared me off, I was just honest, and he wrote back very sweetly and said he understood and was disappointed. "Hopefully you found another evolutionary biologist to go with you or, at the very least, someone who can spell the word evolution." Stupid physical attraction. Why couldn't he have been a tall, lanky, dark-haired evolution super-dork, huh?
3. There was one other guy who wrote to me a day late, told me he was getting an evolution tattoo for christmas, made some awkward jokes about just getting out of prison and how I could ditch him once he got me into the museum for free (he is a member), and something about how the museum should have a room devoted to frito corn chips. A little strange, but amusing, and lacking obnoxious spelling and grammar mistakes. Of course, I got his email after getting back from the museum, but given the fact that he would have gotten a response beforehand, I shot him a quick email. Then, just like all the others, the second email killed it.
The awkward jokes got more awkward, he revealed he was 5'7" (I am not into "petite" in the boy-types), and the evolution tattoo, which I had revealed I was also considering (the tree of life, please and thank you) turned out to be a darwin fish.
"Yeah, I know I run the risk as looking pretentious as all hell but the non-evolution-5000 year old earth -the Grand Canyon is proof of Noah people really piss me off and any time a symbol can be co-opted to make a point against those assholes I'll do it enthusiastically."
OK, so the darwin fish is a little cheesy to begin with, but dealable, but getting a tattoo out of political spite? menh.
So much for the good.
I ended up dressing up in a relatively cute shirt and nice earrings, taking harry potter y el caliz del fuego along for the 2hr-each way train journey, and spending an awesome fucking day wandering around the museum all by my lonesome. I do love me some natural history, hoo boy.
Also, it was not a total loss: I had bought a ticket to one of the special exhibits - the butterflies, where I got to go stand in a room full of gigantic and beautiful tropical flutterbies all flappering around - and on my way out, this guard approached me. I had just pulled out and started to eat an apple, so at first I thought he was going to tell me I wasn't allowed to eat in the museum, but then he asked me if I had been to the other special exhibits and if I had tickets, and when I said no, he told me he had a good feeling about me and gave me free passes to all the other special exhibits (the two I went to were on water and mythical creatures like dragons and unicorns and such). Thanks, cute shirt!
I was pretty sure, but not positive, that he had been hitting on me, but then he caught up with me two rooms later to show me on a map where the exhibits were that he had given me tickets for, and asked if he could give me his email address. I took it, but I don't think I'll email him, probably...
Hope for the future...
Beyond the ridiculous responses I got for my ad, I dug through the M4W ads as well and sent mine along as a response/invitation to the two or three out of hundreds that I found interesting. One guy who seems pretty cool, actually, wrote back and said he couldn't make it because he was working, but that next time I come through NYC I should get in touch with him. So that's nice to think about...
And then when I got home, skyler told me that his boss, Matt, thinks I'm hot. I have had a mild crush on Matt since I met him last year - he's 43, but cute and hot and dorky and kind of awkward around girls, and also a truly awesome guy. Him and skyler have become super-good friends this year, and while at first I was kind of nervous about admitting/wanting to go out with a 43 year old, skyler and mary both chimed in with "I'd do him!" so that made me feel better. Skyler said he would set us up. We shall see.
And that, friends afar, is the madcap adventure I have had this week in the wild world of internet-savvy singledom. hooray!
